Friday, 11 January 2013

Bitter sweet

I am 7 months in to my maternity leave, and am only starting to sometimes enjoy being off work.  Before I had Teagan i was so excited to not have to work for a year.  I didn't think that having a baby would be a cake walk. I wasn't THAT dilusional.  I just pictured the things I would get to do with my baby, not have to get dressed for work every day, the play dates we would have, just hang out at home and not have to go outside on really cold days.....
 Well. One week after T was born I think I was already wishing I was back at work.  I would look longingly at Marc getting ready for work and wish it was me.  I would count down the hours to when he would be home from work and I could have a break.  Even though I wasn't "going to work", I was at work. And not getting paid. If I was at work, my clients were not crying all day (If they were that would mean that either I was a very bad hairstylist, or something was very wrong with them), I was brushing hair off my clothes, not changing for the third time because I was spit up on again.  I actually had time to sit for a few minutes for a coffee.  I think it wasn't until T was 4 months that I actually fired up the coffee maker at home and made coffee for the first time in 4 months.  Because I actually thought I might have a few minutes to drink it. To say I had a rough go at it is an understatement. Still, I tried really hard not to let her colic keep us from doing things.  I think I got out on a daily basis, mostly because I had to to keep from going crazy, and many of these days were spent at my moms. I didn't get much of a break, It was like being at home, only I had company. Walks were mostly out of the question while she was awake, so I would plan to do them while she was sleeping. I would nurse her and after she fell asleep, put her in the carrier and away I went.  Play dates were tough, I would have to make sure she was either well rested or sleeping when I went.  I had a breast feeding support group I would sometimes go to that really just gave me another opportunity to go out. I never really felt that the mom's were dealing with the same thing, and it sometimes made me frustrated that they could just sit there with their content baby and not have to be walking them around, bouncing, or nursing them.  When people would tell me "It gets better" I wanted to yell at them "When!!??? cause it's not happening!"  The idea of 3-4 months of colic seemed like an eternity, and in retrospect, it sometimes feels like it has been.
Now fast forward to T being 6 1/2 months and things are finally starting to get better.  I wouldn't say I feel normal, because how can you when your life as you know it has completely changed. I will never feel like my old normal.  I'll have to create a new normal.  I guess things have settled down more.  I don't have as much anxiety, Marc and I get out for dates once in awhile, I am finally getting to cook a bit more again, something I couldn't even imagine investing time in in those first few months (thank god for those freezer meals I made).  Things aren't perfect, but my days are a bit more predictable (which can actually be good and bad).  I am really hoping that I get to really enjoy some of what I have left of maternity leave.  I am already trying to figure out how it's going to work when I go back to work.  I just want to start off with a few days a week, but It can be tough to find part time care.  One of my clients is retiring from her job as a day care worker this fall to take care of her grandson, so there is a possibility she could take T for a day or two a week.  My mom could do a day, and Marc could take her Saturdays which is really the most important day I work since it's the busiest.  It's so funny because even though some days I wish I had time away from Teagan, the thought of someone else caring for her all day is hard to imagine.  To possibly miss some of her milestones, like walking or saying new words makes me sad.  I used to think it was funny that so many moms had such a hard time dropping their baby's off at day care for the first time. Now I get it.  I think I need to write a post soon about all the things I "get" now. Because you really don't get it until you've been there.  Wow this has really turned into a long post, but there was a lot I felt I  needed to say.  Maternity leave has been bitter sweet,  but they are starting to get more semi- sweet :)   And all because of a special little someone


  1. We get a date night tonight sweetie. Good that we have a sitter. See you after work.